2013 re-evaluation

Persatuan Mahasiswa Sabah University Malaya Charity Concert 2013

So the story goes: Sabahans being Sabahans..we LOVE Gatherings a.k.a Keramaian a.k.a ARAMAITI. Especially, if given the chance to showcase our culture in forms of our native attire, dance, and songs in order to raise funds for CHARITY. We got our chance, and garnered enough manpower to put on a concert in aid of MERCY Malaysia (SABAH). 

All profits from the concert will proceed to MERCY Malaysia where it will be channeled to fund their trips to the interior and less fortunate part of Sabah. MERCY is a non- profit organisation which provides medical relief, sustainable health development and risk reduction activities within vulnerable communities in Malaysia and internationally in crisis and non-crisis situation.

Event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/492306570864460/General page: https://www.facebook.com/konsertamalanaksabahanum?ref=ts&fref=ts

The setback is, we need more support on the financial side. Hence, we would like to appeal for your generous contribution...whoever you are reading this.

Please be assured that any amount of donation will go a long way in supporting the neediest and marginalized in our community. It will also go a long way in promoting unity among students and the population in general.


For further details on the event and how you can channel your contribution, please feel free to drop me a line.

When God calls you home, you GO Home.

Death it self is not a tragedy. It is the way that one dies that causes so much agony.

Death is certain, to every living person. We'll all die one day.

Certainly we'd want to live a long life;

Long enough to do things we want to do, long enough to have children, long enough to see them grow up, long enough to see them prosper, long enough to see them have children of their own;

yet short enough to not feel the deterioration of our own body, that weakness on our knees, or that leak in our bladder, and most certainly short enough to not be a burden to our family.

Alas, who are we kidding? Thinking that we are in control of this life?

When God calls you home, you GO Home.

Our lifetime - unpredictable.

Seize every moment.

Live your life to the best that you can.

Exploit what has been given to you.

So that when the time really comes for you,

know that You have made a difference in this world.

When will my time come? I don’t know;

but when it comes, do remember me in your prayers.

In memory of Marc Joel Bansh 21 January 1991 - 10 October 2013.

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord.

Destructive Selfishness.

And when I start to question,
Why God let such terrible things to happen;
The voice inside my head revolted,
Human actions are based on their own free will,
It is our own selfishness that causes shit to happen.

When God given conscience isn't used to its capacity;
When earthly pleasure is put above all things;
When we only care of what happens today, but not what consequences it will bring tomorrow;
When we have a religion, yet live like Godless beings.

I wonder how do these people sleep at night.
Don't their conscience eat them from their insides?
Is their heart so rotten till their conscience died?

Mid Year Review 2013

Today marks the end of the first half of 2013. Time to review and reflect on the developments and happenings.

I do not have an elaborated new years resolution (as always). All I set my self to accomplish this year is to get fit, handle my studies as best as I could (and hopefully complete my project paper by end of the year), and to do good, all while being HIS instrument for the glory of HIS kingdom. So what have i done so far?

January
Weigh in at 56kg. Measurements (cm): Arms 26, Chest 87, Waist 77, Hip 98, Thigh 56. Target weight at end of the year 51kg.
Plans to get to ideal weight: eat clean, rest well, exercise. Like what else can i do?

Spent new year's eve by doing revision for my exams. My 1st paper was on the 3rd of Jan. Joy Killer. Still, nothing beats the feeling of spending new year's eve with the people you love. No, I did not go for an adventure like the year before. Was at home, with acha, omma, fish, and dino. Yes, Dino. He could have gone out with his friends and get wasted, but he choose to be with my family and I. What's not to love about that? Was also our little sacred date, so yeah, Dino made me feel extremely appreciated..and he doesn't know it..unless he reads this..or somebody who reads this goes and tell him. Anyways, I am grateful to God and all His blessings showered upon me, upon us, upon my family, upon my friends, and upon the whole world.

February
Decided not to weigh myself on the 1st day of the month, in order to avoid being crushed by my own unreasonable expectations.

Went back to KK in time for Chinese New Year. FAMILY-FOOD-FUN. Nothing can beat THAT! And seeing Dino's parents when they were tipsy as tipsy could be proved that everyone is young at heart. Like really really young.

Valentines day was different this year around. For the 1st time, we get to spend time together. The year before we only had our phones to connect with each other, separated by the South China Sea. Hey, long distance is never easy. I didn't make any valentines card this year. I need not compensate my absence. And no, there were no chocolates nor flowers, coz 1: we are trying to lose weight, 2: we were both dirt broke. You may question how did 2 brats from well to do families became broke, well...hate to burst your bubble but it's our parents who are rich not us. I might have scratched his ego a little for stating the fact that he didn't made any reservations for us, when he knew well we were going for dinner. But I was amazed by the way he tolerated me. Like really. No plan was a good plan after all. We laughed the night away with his silly jokes, and my slapstick comebacks. It was a good night.

I weigh in before going back to KL, 58kg. HOLLY MOLLY. I blame the pineapple tarts!

My third semester commenced, and I skipped the 1st class for PXGM6103 coz my flight was later that evening :P my 1st time purposely not going for class, and it did not feel good. I'm a total nerd, i know.

March
NEW POPE! Thanks to technology advancements, managed to catch a glimpse of black smoke coming out of the Sistine Chapel twice. Stayed up all night praying for white smoke to appear. I had no idea who were in the conclave, all I remember praying for is His will be done. We all thought it was going to be a long conclave - like the usual. Who would have though white smoke came after  5 ballots on the 2nd day of voting. I slept off in front of my laptop only waking up to Swiss Guards marching and cheers from people at St. Peter's Square. So I waited for the new Pope to appear. And as i see the old man in white appearing at the balcony and waving his hand like he doesn't know what to do with them..tremendous joy filled my heart. Habemus Papam! and to know that he is a Jesuit, was the icing on my cake. When the translator translated His Holiness' first message to the crowd, "...pray for me..." I fell in love with that man.

Like any Roman Catholic would do, I went on a research about this old man. And my love for him grew. I never knew I could love a Pope like I do now. Never realized how crucial it is to pray for the Pope. Many people are ticked off by the way His Holiness is handling his office, but hey, he's a JESUIT :P

Birthday? No candles this year. Cake? Stole few bites from SueXien's cake. Did my 1st presentation for 6103 on my birthday, and went to Secret Recipe for dinner while doing assignments afterwards. Managed to hid my birth date from Facebook, didn't want my wall to be flooded;  but notifications poured in, even till a week after. So many birthday wishes and affirmations. I am contented. 25, and contented.

April
Finally sent the material for the bridesmaid dress to a tailor. It was no fun looking for a good tailor. To look for a tailor who is willing to sew the dress was already a challenge! Settled with the tailor at the beauty parlour i go to to get my eyebrows threaded. Crossing fingers and toes and praying hard for it to come out as I expected it to be.

Went back home for the semester break! Time of my life. FOOD-FOOD-and more FOOD! Weighed in at 58kg. HUFF!

The 13th General Elections campaigns were on. Flags everywhere. I got scared to drive whenever there was heavy rain or strong winds. The flags erected everywhere didn't look like it was secured properly. Most was on the road the 1st week itself when heavy rain came. I dreaded news reports of people getting injured from campaign materials. One report says a man was killed after the wood used to erect the flag stabbed him on his neck. OUCH!

May
I went back home for elections. Yes, was my 1st time voting. And Yes, I had mixed feelings from the results.  Though the people I voted for got into office, the overall result was just..MEH. We waited for results till we got knocked out. I think I blew my credit limit of my mobile phone that night, refreshing the GE13 results provided by an independent observer, coz everything on TV was bullshhting us. my hearts sank when i saw the final results. Screw it. 50 years of power, who are we kidding?

Went back to KL few days before Dino's birthday. Didn't manage to finish the gift i wanted to give him. Sigh. Later then.

May was really challenging. Mental breakdowns. Emotional breakdowns. Wanted to just pack my bags and leave. Like just seriously end all the struggle. I am too close to quit, yet still too far to succeed.

June
Depression sank in. Emotional breakdowns got worst. Workload and stress was just overbearing. I just tried my best to survive a day at a time. Pretty much screwed my final project paper, missed the due date for proposal submission which was in May. My supervisor quit UM. Thankfully got that sorted by the end of the month. Screwed my 3rd semester exams as well. Come what may.

Moved out of Hillpark and into Heritage. Best move made. Thankfully I have super friends whom helped me to moved my stuff in an hour, even helped me cleaned Heritage unit. The house warming was made even more meaningful by Fr.Alberto's presence. Yeap, he came to blessed the unit. It was unexpected, coz i didnt request for him to come, but Boni asked him to join us for makan after mass, and on his freewill he came! Felt so blessed! See...God provide us with all that we need, and we needed to get the unit blessed.

I really enjoyed the last 2 weeks of June. Fish was back in KK. I volunteered to facilitate confirmation camp with Eddy & team. That weekend really fulfilled my yearning to go out of my comfort zone and start serving others. To be His instrument is what I yearn for.
Came back from camp and had Angel to accompany me for my 1st 2 nights at the unit without my brother. Sent her back on Tuesday coz her next exam was on Wednesday. When i got back to the unit, everything seemed fine. Being the paranoid that I am I checked every door and made sure it was secure before going for my nap. I got freaked out when I went to collect the clothes from the hanging station and saw one of the the window was magically opened. i am 100% sure I didn't opened it due to the haze. I went on and closed the window, grabbed the knives, and hid myself in the room till Brandon came and made sure the unit was clear off intruder. Scary. I don't mind if it was paranormal activity, but I am scared out of my wits thinking what if there is an intruder in the unit. Only human can hurt another human. After that I had friends over at the unit almost every day.

Half of the year had passed, and I guess I'm doing ok. Looking forward for more adventures.

Adorned in green. My favourite colour.

I saw them yesterday.

All smiley. Happy.

Adorned in green. My favourite colour.

Reminded me of my past.

They looked exactly like the people we were.

Adorned in green. My favourite colour.

She had long straight hair.

He had spikey hair.

They looked exactly like the people we were.

Adorned in green. My favourite colour.

They look good together. 

I hope they end up well together.

We ended well.

Separated. In our own ways.

if you need to make an apology, do it before the eulogy.

A friend passed away yesterday.

Not exactly my "friend." No, we've never been close. She was just another person. A visible notion of God’s grace and love. A sign of great courage and hope. A fighting spirit.

Born with a medical condition, it is a wonder that she lived up to 31 years. Throughout those years battling her sickness, unsure if tomorrow will be the day that she will finally be ok. I am humbled by how much gratitude and joy she has while fighting her enormous battles. 

Her presence will light up any room. She was the ultimate reminder for me to be thankful that I am born the way I am. A solid reminder that we should be grateful for the gift of life.

Although I am only an acquaintance, I felt her absence. Her friends -- our mutual friends -- loves her so much, that I myself could not stop myself from tearing up reading their comments about her. She is indeed loved by many.

Reading all those comments, and with pictures of her popping up one after another on facebook got me thinking. Anybody can be next. I can be the next one to go. We just do not know whose name God will call next. We do not know when any of us will be called home. It is best for us to show our appreciation to each other while we can; while we are still alive.

Far too many times we disregard doing so and live to regret it. Far too many times funeral wishes are where all the love and appreciation are expressed. We never really realize how much they meant to us until they are dead. We do not always tell the people we love how much they mean to us until it is too late.

Isaac’s passing was a bitter reminder of timely conciliation. I never got the chance to tell him how sorry I am. The guilt lingers. A minister once said “if you need to make an apology, do it before the eulogy.” 

Do whatever you need to do to show your love and appreciation today. It is always better to express how we feel when people are still alive. Do not wait until they pass, then tell stuff or write stuff about them. They would have appreciated it most, but they cannot read them. The tributes we write when they die should be just a reinforcement of what they already knew.

Time is precious, too precious for us to take the ones we love for granted.

God bless your souls my dearly departed friends, may you rest in peace, and be joyful in His arms. 

In loving memories of Charlene Dawn Toyong 1981-2013 & Isaac Mobijohn 1988-2006.

"Exhausted" do no measure enough to describe how I'm feeling this week. Attacking assignments one after another. The silent war raged against me for a mere misunderstood statement that I made. My deteriorating health. The amount of stress, anxiety. The feelings of a failing winner.

Most times i felt like quitting is the only option. Then common sense starts knocking on my door making me realize and acknowledge that quitting is not even on the list of options.

I know my God has great plans for me. He will never lead me to where His grace would not follow me. I know my Lord will guide me through, but only if I let Him to. And I know He will never forsaken me.

Though everybody else walks into and out of my life, leaving marks wherever they please; I am certain His love is forever true, through the scars of his hands and feet I knew.

Blessed Easter!

So Lent is finally over. It is finally Easter! BLESSED EASTER!

Somehow it felt better this year. In this struggle to understand my religion, and to understand myself, somehow I found joy in Lent, and greater joy in Easter.

As I ponder upon what were my weak points, and what was the hardest thing to do during lent, I realized that it was not the fasting that was hard, it was not even challenging to abstain from alcohol, it was easy to abstain from meat throughout the 40 days, it was easy not to lose my temper (been praying for this for years). The hardest part of Lent was to be able to speak to my Lord, to be still to pray. 

With all that was going on in my life, my mind is very much clouded and crowded. Whenever I tried to pray, my mind will wonder off, worrying about something else. Honestly, I couldn’t even say the Lord’s Prayer whole heartedly, nor recite Hail Mary without my mind wondering off and interrupting my attempt to pray. I am often lost for words. I could not find the right/appropriate words to say. My tongue was numb.

Yes, I do like to hear my friends and faith formations leaders pray. It comes out so naturally from their lips, and I can feel the honesty from their heart. And yes I do aspire to be able to be more prayerful like them. I want to go beyond “I love you Lord, you know what is in my heart, grant them according to Your will. Thank you, amen.” I want to be able to talk to Him again. Most of all, I want to hear Him speak to me.

Though Lent is over, and Easter is here, my frozen tongue is somewhat, still frozen. But I believe, if I push myself to meditate, to focus, to not let my mind wonder, I will be able to speak to Him, and hear Him speak to me. Times like this I realize why we memorize the Lord’s Prayer; people may argue that reciting is not praying, but I tell you, if reciting is the only thing you can do, then just do it. He hears our little cries, and no He does not discriminate between prayers. I believe that we just have to be sincere to the words we utter. I for one rediscovered the humbling beauty of the Lord’s Prayer in these times of great difficulty.

Well, my point is, no matter how far we feel from the church or our religion, our Lord is never too far for us to reach; no matter how hard it is for us to pray, to make our lips utter sincere words, our Lord listens. He is never too far for us to call out His name and be comforted in His grace.

As life goes on, I’d like to request that you pray with me and for me, that I will be able to speak to and listen to my lover Lord Jesus Christ.

Teach me Lord to pray. Amen.

The Truth. My Land Below The Wind.

The truth is...

We never stopped crying.

Clutching to our prayer beads.

Invoking interventions.

The truth is...

We are scared.

For what is to happen.

To our families. To our country.

The truth is...

Shivers ran through our spines.

Our brothers in the forces.

Shots fired. Lifeless on the ground.

The truth is...

We knew this day would come.

But we did not expect it to be so soon.

Not Friday, 1 March.

The truth is...

We are tired of your mind games.

Your finger pointing cover ups.

Lives lost would never be regained.

The truth is...

We just want this to be over.

Our beautiful state to be back in order.

Our people living proper.